Not because Amelia woke me up. Not because the dog had to go out. Not because some moron was squealing his tires outside of our house.
Because I'm leaving her. All night. Tonight. For the first time ever in 19.5 months.
Part of me is a bit excited. Part of is nervous. The other 75% wants to vomit all over the place.
It's hard to pinpoint my anxiety over this event. I've lined up her care, the friend she is staying with knows her inside and out and has a lot of the same caregiving philosophies that I do, and she is getting daddy time all day today. I've arranged for someone to let our dog out while Jon is at work, repeated to him five hundred times to bring enough diapers to my friend's house and to text me if he has questions.
And still. I can't sleep.
What is it about being away from our babies overnight for the first time? I told my husband yesterday evening that I know part of it is that I know how my brain works versus his. I am the manager of our household. I work from home, I care for the animals, I am the primary parent the majority of the time. Every whine that escapes our toddler's mouth has a purpose, and I know what she needs 99.5% (or more) of the time. I can calculate in a split second when the last time she ate was, if she wants water, or if it's about time for a diaper change. If an impending molar is the culprit, I know. If she could have used an extra hour of sleep the night before, I'm aware of how that will impact her naptime within a half hour.
With all that said, I know that my husband and my friend will know what Amelia needs. It will just take maybe a few minutes more than it would take me. So, it's totally fine. She will enjoy her daddy time, her slumber party, and her playtime with her toddler friend tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I will be driving with the car radio blasting, eating meals without cutting food up into teeny tiny pieces and wiping strawberry juice off a toddler chin, and enjoying a bed ALL TO MYSELF without having to tend to middle of the night cries or being jabbed in the ribs.
Whether I actually can sleep in that bed is another matter.