Weight a Minute...

Last week at the gym, I walked into the daycare room to pick Amelia up. A young girl, probably about 8 or 9 years old, walked up to the daycare attendant and said: "My mom let me get on the scale today. My weight went up instead of down." Then she frowned in utter disappointment. We both looked at her and began disagreeing right away. The daycare attendant looked calmer than I felt, as I spat out "You are a growing girl, you SHOULD be gaining weight!"

As the mother of a little girl, I have many fears. I worry that she will get sick. I worry that someone will hurt her. When I watch Intervention as she sleeps cuddled in my arms, I often sob as I watch parents plead with their children, begging them to get help. I fear that could be my daughter someday. Sometimes, I even whisper to her as she sleeps, "Mommy will always protect you." But, I know I can't, so instead, I worry.

I think I fear, in particular, that she will experience pains that I have experienced. With the glory of genetics comes the fear that she will inherit something that I have struggled with. I become concerned that she will be depressed some day, or suicidal, or anxious. I fear that she will spend a chunk of her life not valuing herself or having confidence. I worry that she will feel fat and obsess over food.

This last worry is one that I sometimes feel she will face no matter how hard I try. Every day, I see body issues all over the place. Women at the gym complaining about their shape, celebrities on the news starving themselves to get thin, new diets, new weight loss shows-- our culture is saturated with it.

Although I don't want Amelia to be obsessed with her body size and shape, I do want her to have a good understanding of what she should do to be healthy. We don't let her drink juice or have many goodies. I give her fruit with every meal and call it her 'dessert'. I don't eat fast food, and therefore, she doesn't either. I hope that giving her a good foundation of what is healthy will help her make good nutritious choices when she is older. When I head to the gym, I hope that her seeing her mommy be active on a consistent basis teaches her that moving your body is GOOD for your body.

Am I naive enough to believe that these things alone will protect Amelia from overeating, making poor food choices, or feeling like she is fat? NO. But, what else is a mom to do?

I mean, other than having a good body image herself.

GULP.

Feeding Amelia healthy foods and hauling her to the gym with me is relatively easy. At my highest weight ever, positive body image is rough. I swore when I found out we were having a little girl, I would not utter the words "I'm fat" in her presence. I'm still pulling that off as I hide in our bedroom and complain to my husband as I pinch my belly and my hips. "LOOK at this!!! How can you even be attracted to me anymore?!?" as Amelia is in the living room watching cartoons. Each time I utter these words, I can see his disappointment that I do not believe I am as beautiful as he sees me.

Really, I don't think I'm ugly. I've developed a lot of confidence with age. I'm raising a happy, healthy daughter, I have a successful career, a good marriage, a terrific family. I'm intelligent, strong, and determined. All that being said, I'm not happy with how I feel. My pants are tight, I don't have as much energy as I used to when I work out, and my food choices are not all that great. I've been attempting to make better choices since the first week of January, and though I'm eating healthier and exercising more, the scale is not budging, nor are my pants getting looser. It's frustrating.

And yet, each day I wake up with new hope. I think with age has come more clarity about why I want to lose weight. It's not because I want to be super thin and it's not because I think more people will accept me if I'm a few sizes smaller. It's because I want to be healthier and feel better, and most importantly, I want Amelia to have a mom who takes care of herself for all the right reasons.

In a few weeks I will be a guest writer for the Random Blogette. A group of us have joined together on Facebook to support each other's efforts to be healthier. There I will explain my own personal struggles to fight my food demons and be healthy. And, in April I will be running my first half marathon, come hell or high water. My goal is to just finish the darned thing, even if I have to finish it walking. Not just for me, but for my daughter.

One Big Blur

Our weekend was crammed full of a little bit of everything. Jon had a friend visit from out of town, and as I knew that this would result in a lot of drinking, golfing, and staying up late, I packed Amelia and I up and headed to my parents. Yes, I am that great of a wife. Lucky for me this friend is allergic to pet hair, and therefore, Jon had to clean much of the house. Shockingly, it was just as clean when we returned last night, so it seems like a fair trade.

One of the biggest highlights of the weekend was the race that I ran Saturday morning. This is my third 5K since I started signing up for races in August. My goal was to run it under thirty minutes-- I would have been thrilled with a time of 29:59. Instead I ran it in 29:07!!! I was so excited that I would have done backflips if I knew how. Here's Amelia and I post race. See how happy (and sweaty) I am?

Following the race Amelia and I headed to our house so I could clean up and eat. Then we went to my friend's house to meet her new daughter, stopped at the grocery store, visited my cousin, and headed back to my parents. It was a busy, busy day and it showed-- Amelia passed out for 7:00 p.m. I thought this was one of her late naps, but instead, she was out for the night:

I was worn out too, so I headed to bed by 9:00 p.m., which was a smart move because little miss sunshine was up by 5:15 a.m.:

Sunday was a little more relaxing as Amelia played with her grandparents while I read on the couch. Perhaps this does not sound all that exciting, but any mom knows that being able to read more than a couple of paragraphs at a time without chasing down your toddler is a treat. Grandma and Grandpa really know how to wear her out and she took a ninety minute nap in the morning, which is fantastic for our busy little girl. When she woke up, she needed some cuddling from Grandpa:

In the afternoon, we met my husband and his friend for lunch and then spent a little more time with my parents. It was a great weekend. Much better than my other October weekends that were filled with the flu and missing my first 10K. Today we're back to the daily grind and counting down to Amelia's first birthday on Thursday :)

Pemberville 5 Miler

I was originally going to title this post "Race Day", but since I envision many races in my future, that title would probably get pretty redundant (big word for writing at 6:45 a.m., eh?)  Being that my stupid ipod mysteriously ran out of battery before the race, despite that fact that I had checked it in the morning when it appeared to be plenty charged, I was able to think about and reflect upon every aspect of this experience. I wish I would have had a way to record what I had thought since now a lot of it is a fabulous blur, but I will do my best to recount my first race.

First, let me reiterate how huge I feel like this is for me. A month ago, my runs were no longer than 2.5 miles. Couple this with being 15-20 lbs overweight (about 10 of that is those last few darned pregnancy pounds) and the fact that I've never run this far even pre-baby, and I will tell you that I did not anticipate this being part of my summer plans. But, I was inspired by my friend who recently ran a half marathon and figured that if I just signed up for it, I would have to make it work.

I was very confident up until about a week ago when we went on vacation. I didn't exercise while we were gone and I pretty much pigged out. When we returned, I just was not that into running. And, it was race week. I knew I just had to squeeze out five miles during one of my runs so I knew that I could do the race without walking. I did on Wednesday, merely two days before the event. The last mile was pure hell but it was what I needed so I didn't make some pathetic excuse to try to get out of going.

Then, last night about two hours before it was time for me to leave, I started getting nervous. What was I thinking? I don't have a runner's physique, and I started fearing that I would stick out like a sore thumb. It was like high school all over again, that sensation where you feel like everyone will stare and laugh at you.


Once I got there and analyzed the crowd, I realized how silly that was but I was still really freaked out... what if I was last? As we were getting ready to start, I felt more and more like I was going to be sick, but I had to shake it off. And, I kept thinking about how I knew I could run five miles... I just did it two days ago! I'm so glad that I did too, because that thought carried me through a lot of the difficult moments of the run.

I think that my favorite part of the event was how many people in the community were sitting in their yards, cheering us on. Several people even set up sprinklers over the road so the runners could cool off, including the local fire department which set up a huge water hose. It was a good thing that the beginning of the course ran through the town because there had been a huge line for the ladies' room (which of course, only had two stalls) and I saw several women running into houses and then running back out giggling, saying "I had to go!" There were water stations at every mile marker, and the county's sheriff, Mark Wasylyshyn (seriously, that's how you spell his name, and no, I have no idea how you pronounce it) handed me one of my cups of water. This is pretty much a celebrity to me, keeping in mind that other celebrities on my list are Father Dominic and Jay Berschback.

The suckiest part of the race? The third mile. At the first two mile markers, my times reflected that my pace was just under 10:30, which is super for me. When I ran that five miles earlier in the week, it had taken me about an hour. I know that focusing on staying ahead of the people that I had already passed and working on passing people ahead of me helped a lot. Not having to push a jogging stroller for once helped too. However, that third mile was through the country, sans shade. Now, the country path that I run down each day also is out in the blazing sun, but I always leave before 11 a.m. when it is a bit cooler out. This is opposed to running at 7 p.m. when it is much hotter out. I really started to fear that I was going to have to walk at some point, and my head started pounding with pain. I intermittently swore to myself and then would tell myself, if I can just finish this mile then I will be more than halfway done, and I will be back in the shade again.

I don't have my mile to mile pace results back yet, but I know that third mile was the slowest. After that, even though my legs and feet were starting to feel like lead, I could focus on running back to town. When I hit the fourth mile marker and was told that I was at 43 minutes, I was utterly shocked. OMG, I can finish this under an hour! And, seeing people that were walking helped, too. Here I was so concerned that I was going to be last, but I ran the whole thing and that is something to be proud of in itself.

I sprinted to the finish and crossed the finish line at 54 minutes even. That's a 10:48 pace!!! I'm sure that to experienced runners, this is nothing, but to me, this is super awesome. I do not aspire to be a fast runner. I have short, stocky legs and competition against others is not my thing. But, doing better than I ever have before makes me wildly proud of myself.

I was shaking with exhaustion and excitement when I finished, and drank about five or six cups of water. Then, I found my friend and her family. Pics were taken, congratulations were said. I was elated on the way home and shared my accomplishment with Jon. I squeezed Amelia and thought about how great it will be for my little girl to grow up seeing her mommy being active, and to maybe run some races with me someday.

Next up is the Susan G. Komen 5K in September, and then I am running a 10k in October. And... I'm pondering a half marathon in April. I need to talk more to my friend about the training involved, and I would have to commit to running throughout the winter, which I'm not big on. I've always switched things up and done step/spin classes when it's cold, and running/rollerblading when it's warm. However, when I think about being able to say that I've ran a half marathon, my pulse quickens a bit with excitement.

I'm not big on quotes, but I read this one recently in an interview done with Allison Sweeney-- "I told my trainer, 'I want my body back!' She was like, 'Why go back? Go forward! Be the best you that you can be today. That might be thinner and more toned than ever.' Any time I doubt myself for whatever reason, whether it's because of my weight, my physique, or my current athletic abilities, I think of that quote. There's only one direction to go, and it's forward.... in all likelihood, with my running shoes on :)

A Mobile Family

Probably the biggest event in our household in the last few days has been this:

It's maybe not a traditional crawl, but my daughter has definitely figured out to get herself moving on all fours. As my cousin said, that military crawl clearly demonstrates that her father is a marine. Part of me is thrilled. Part of me is sad. Part of me is tired just watching her. And a large part thinks I'm in for big trouble.

Amelia is not the only one on the move. I shared recently that I've gotten into running again. Inspired by my friend who has been running many races for the past year or so and Tina's blog, I've signed up for a five mile race. FIVE MILES. Initially, I thought I must have lost my mind. I've never run five miles, even when I was twenty pounds smaller and had  a pre-baby body. But I bit the bullet and registered, and so on August 19th I'll be running my first race. This has really pushed me to quickly build up my distance, and yesterday I ran 4.5 miles. Without stopping. This has me feeling like a kick ass mommy. It has Molly feeling like a tired pooch:

I never thought I'd outrun her, but she is generally lagging behind by the three mile mark. I suspect she will be more energetic about my new endeavor this fall when it cools off. After all, I'm not running with a fur coat on. And, don't let this picture fool you-- she loves our morning run. Follows me around all morning with pleading eyes, goes in circles while I'm putting on my tennis shoes, and heaven forbid if we have to skip a day. Those days she is on my heels all day, as if I've clearly forgotten my priorities in life and she is reminding me that taking her running should be on the top of the list.

And so, Amelia is crawling, Molly and I are running... I can't leave out my husband. He has recently started kayaking with some of his friends and been insistent that we also take a trip down the river together this summer. I've been dragging my feet about this, mostly because I experience a little anxiety about leaving Amelia for long periods of time. It's not because I don't trust those that care for her. It's because she won't drink pumped milk. And, she's a fussy little pain in the butt for other people. This was important to Jon, though, and I do love outdoor activities, so I made plans for my parents to watch Amelia. This was especially nice since we went during the weekend of our fifth wedding anniversary.

We had a pretty good time until the end, when we were delayed by a thunderstorm and I completely freaked out about being away from our daughter for so long. This has solidified that although I'm sad that she is almost out of baby stage and into toddlerhood, I am excited about her not being dependent on me for her nutritional needs.

That aside, it was a terrific trip. We actually were able to have adult conversation without having to bounce, change, feed, calm, rock, or nurse a baby. Jon also had hidden a bottle of wine, cheese and crackers, and a blanket in his kayaking pack so we could have a short romantic picnic on one of the islands along the way. Surprises are not one of Jon's fortes, and so I was shocked and touched by this gesture. We also saw a bald eagle roosting right above us as we paddled. Utterly majestic. We enjoyed ourselves so much that we are considering buying our own kayaks when we have the funds to do so.

Wow... we have all really been on the move lately! Just writing about it has me thinking about an afternoon nap....

First Day of August: Amateur Updates

Being gone all weekend visiting with family has put me behind on everything, but it was definitely worth it. We went to visit my grandparents and had a terrific time. Amelia did pretty good overall and we enjoyed seeing family and getting out of town for a bit. We followed up this visit with a quick trip to my in-laws Sunday night. However, now my brain is somewhat stuck, turning over and over in my mind what I need to get done: an oil change for my car, give Amelia her bath, apply to two jobs for unemployment (sigh), clean the house, unpack, get groceries, plan dinners for the week, go for a run-- I don't even know where to start. And I certainly can't pick one theme for my post today. So I'll just review everything.

• The Day of Doom went better-- way better-- than I thought it would. The laughing gas and ipod really did the trick and post root canal I only had to take some motrin once that evening. I still need a cleaning, some cavities to be filled, and the fixed tooth needs to be crowned, but since I tore threw my yearly insurance money, I have to wait till I switch to Jon's insurance in September. I'm happy that I've found a good dentist, though, especially one that is willing to give me nitrous oxide even just for cavities filled. Clearly, he takes my anxiety seriously. Maybe because I almost passed out while he was doing my novocaine shots. Hey, when I said I have anxiety issues, I wasn't kidding.
• Amelia still has one lonely tooth and has not chomped me further. She must have taken my threats of switching her to formula seriously. Meanwhile, she is working at mobility but has too much genetic impatience to really perfect crawling. She mostly plants her face into the carpet after wiggling her butt around, and then starts whining and grunting. This is her "pick me up, damn it, so I can practice walking" sound. She can also roll across our bed in about five seconds so this is no longer a safe place for her unless I'm two feet away from her. Even then, it's questionable.
• My attempts to lessen our grocery bill while also buying more locally grown food is going well, I think. Jon is really making a good effort to pack his lunch rather than buy fast food (GAG) every day. I think our weekly grocery bill is less than it was a month or two ago. If nothing else I'm happy that I didn't buy a pound of peanut butter mousse and a candy bar on our trip to Meijer today.
• I'm further pushed to improve my health habits by two things 1) my friend is running a 5 mile race in 3 weeks, and I'm toying with the idea of running it with her and her family. I've never run 5 miles in my life, even pre-baby and minus 25 pounds, so part of me is certain that I'm crazy. Another part of me knows that I can do this, and should do this, for multiple reasons. I ran 3.6 miles today, so that's a start. 2) I'm reading The Dirty Life: A Memoir of Farming, Food, and Love. I'm enjoying it so much that I've zipped through it in almost less than a week, which is saying a lot when I'm concurrently keeping track of a nine month old. I'm finding it to be very inspiring, not just because it discusses a healthier way of eating, but also a healthier way of living. An added bonus: The librarian looked at me like I'm a pervert when she checked my book out for me. It's about farming lady, read the subtitle!

Keep It Moving

Yesterday I ran two miles in the hot summer sun with my golden retriever at my side and baby in her stroller.

I can just hear half my family say "What the hell's a matter with ya, girl?!?"

Due to the ridiculous heat and humidity, I really thought I'd only walk a couple miles and be done for the day. However, I was already sweating after I'd walked a half mile so I figured I might as well give it a try. And, to my credit, it was before noon. I am not as crazy as the 50 year old man I saw running through Maumee the other day at 5pm while it was 93 degrees. I was pretty sure he was either going to fall over from a heart attack or burst into flames on the sidewalk.

Frankly, if someone had told me when I was 16 that I would be a regular exerciser when I was 30 years old and post-baby, I would have told them they must be high on something. I'm not an athlete. My physique does not reflect a runner's body. And yet, I've been exercising regularly for the past seven years. It just kind of happened. I joined Weight Watchers and a ladies only gym with my friend and it didn't take long for me to be hooked on endorphins (not so much hooked on dieting, apparently using all your daily WW points on chocolate and wine is not terribly effective). I even worked out during my whole pregnancy, including the last month when I finally had to give the gym up and waddle down the country lane next to our house with my dog.

Because I have grown to love exercise, I agonized while pregnant that I suddenly wouldn't be able to work out after I had Amelia. The stories of how busy your life becomes after you have a child made me go over and over again in my mind what my schedule would look like and how I could squeeze in 45 minutes at the gym a couple of days per week. Since November, I've discovered that exercising is a big priority for me and when something is important to you, you make it work. And I have.

But I still didn't think I would be running this summer. I don't even like running.

No, really, I don't. I love to exercise. I think my step and spin classes are awesome. Running, however, is hard. I started running because it got me outside when it's nice out, and it's a good challenge for me. And, you can take running anywhere, no gym required. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought I would keep running, but the image of my little fetus bouncing all over the place in my womb, along with constant nausea during my first trimester, stopped me from that. So, no running for nine months. Then when I headed back to the gym after Amelia's birth, it was winter and I'm not a big treadmill runner. So basically, I haven't ran regularly for 15 months. It's like starting all over again. Who wants to do that?

Luckily, I have new kinds of running motivation.

• I'm not a fan of the morning daycare lady at my gym. I'm pretty sure she's going to let some toddler run over my baby. Then I'd have to punch her and I'm not ready for the big house. And, I don't like evening workouts in the summer. I want to get it out of the way so I can sit in the air conditioning for the remainder of the day.
• I like to take our dog for a daily walk, especially when I'm not working. If I'm already spending 45 minutes of my day with tennis shoes on, I might as well be doing my workout too.
• Aforementioned dog follows me around obsessively if I don't walk her. It's rather annoying. Hence the running when it's so hot that I could melt. It's better than having a 75 pound canine up my butt all day.
• Amelia generally enjoys our walks down the country lane, but sometimes she's just not in the mood. I call her my personal trainer because the more she fusses, the quicker I run. Picture Jillian Michaels as a baby and with less swearing. Or maybe my daughter IS swearing at me. I can't really tell yet.

More important than all of that, Amelia is seeing me work at something that does not come easily to me, and I think that's important. I was able to jog 4-5 miles at one point pre-baby, and I would like to get to that point again, if not beyond that. Maybe some day down the road she will even witness me train for a sprint triathalon or a half marathon. The sky is the limit when you have great coaches like I do: