The Luckiest Parents

I know. I've been a complete slacker about posting this month. Never fear, I will be returning to my stay at home job next week and chained to my computer most of my waking hours, so I'm sure I will have plenty to yammer about then.

I have about a bazillion pictures from our adventures so far this summer. We've been to Columbus and Cincinnati so Jon could update his police certification while Amelia and I spend some mommy/daughter time together, went to Lake Michigan with my mom, and down to my grandparents once. For only having one month off this year, as opposed to ten weeks, we sure packed that time with lots of adventures, so be prepared for an upcoming post that is flooded with pic's of my toddler.

Today's post, however, is about something different. We recently switched our insurance coverage to be under my husband's plan. This new provider requires a primary care physician to be listed on your card, but I had one problem-- I don't have one. I've probably gone to the doctor twice in the past decade (not including prenatal care). Although I had a short list of things I needed to speak to a doctor about, I hadn't gone yet, so this was a good push to finally see a physician.

I already had someone in mind to see, so Jon called and made all three of us an appointment as first time patients. Although Amelia has a pediatrician, I had been looking to make a switch since the one doctor that I loved left the practice, and the other doctors had misdiagnosed her hand, foot, and mouth disease this past spring as scabies. As far as I'm concerned, if I can google symptoms to self-diagnose but you can't see my daughter in person and figure it out, you're pretty much fired.

In any case, I was pretty apprehensive about this appointment. Jon had gone earlier in the week and simply shrugged when I had asked how it went. Men. I was hoping that he would rave about her, but instead he said "It was OK. She's young." CRAP. I just picked a female Doogie Howser for our family physician. On top of that, I'm terribly choosy about doctors. I feel this way-- you're being paid a lot of money to do your job. So, if you talk over me, are rude, perpetually late, or rush me through my appointment, I won't be back. Period.

Of course, switching doctors can be a huge pain in the butt. I was smart enough to ask Jon to bring home the new patient paperwork for Amelia and I so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room filling out fifty pages of health history and insurance information while keeping a toddler amused. Good thing that I did because it seemed to take me forever to complete those packets. Mine was not too terrible but hers was five pages of ridiculousness that seemed to be designed to make me feel like the worst mother ever. Here were some of the questions:

• Is your water heater set to 125 degrees or less? How do I even check that??
• Do you have the number posted for poison control? Isn't that what the internet is for?
• Are your electrical outlets covered with safety plugs? Yes. They were. Until my toddler figured out how to pull them out in an attempt to jam my keys in the outlet. How else is she supposed to learn how to drive???
• Do you have Ipecac in your house? Um... can't I just feed her a vegetable she doesn't like to induce vomiting?
• Does your child take a fluoride supplement or drink fluoride treated water? No. My hillbilly teeth are a legacy that I plan to hand down to my child.

 After those questions came the asking me how many meals and snacks she eats every day, followed by asking me to break that down into servings of bread, meat/beans, dairy, yellow vegetables, green vegetables, and fruit/fruit juice. I sat there trying to determine what category goldfish crackers went under and if I get extra mommy points for my child sucking down water like a camel.

That was followed by about thirty questions related to Amelia's health history. Has she been hospitalized? Eye problems? Ear infections? Cancer? Genetic disorders? All I could really put down was respiratory problems once a winter and a spot of eczema that we haven't seen since this past spring.

And that's when it hit me. We are very lucky parents.

I have friends who have lost their pregnancies and friends whose children didn't make it to their first birthday. I really can't imagine their pain and loss, but I assume that it would be practically unbearable. It's easy to get wrapped up in the daily annoyances of parenting. Whiny toddlers, dirty diapers, no time to yourself, and carting kids around to errands that would be ten times easier if they were at home with a babysitter. What kind of smiles and laughter would we miss out on if they weren't in our lives though? These are the things I thought of as I completed that mess of paperwork. And then, I smiled for the rest of the day.

Amelia makes me a very happy and blessed mama. Every day.

Fun on the Farm

Saturday morning my family had the opportunity to see the farm where many of our vegetables will be grown this summer. We have joined a CSA (community supported agriculture) through Riehm Farms and will be picking up our 'share' of vegetables weekly at a local farmer's market. I'm really excited that most of the produce that we consume during the next 4.5 months will be grown nearby and pesticide free. I first learned about CSA's through books like The Dirty Life by Kristin Kimball and thought it was an incredible concept. It's great to know that my dollars will go directly to a local family business, my food will be chemical free, and I will be helping the environment because less of my food will need to be shipped across the country or even from other countries. Of course, we also get the additional benefit of our food tasting better because it will be fresh.

The first thing we were able to do was look around the farm a bit. We walked through the greenhouses and were able to feed some of their animals. I think that this is a great opportunity for Amelia to learn early where the food that she eats comes from (or SHOULD come from), and she was enthralled by all the fun stuff to look at and experience:

We were even able to select our own farm fresh eggs for breakfast, which were mixed with broccoli, onions, and asparagus grown right in the soil we were standing on, and served with potatoes. After that, Amelia had her picture taken (several times) on the farm's tractor and we went on a hayride:

I was really surprised that Amelia enjoyed the hayride so much because she has a fear of most things that are noisy-- motorcycles, farm equipment, sometimes even our dog barking-- but the ride was so bouncy that she kept saying WEEE!!!! WEEEEE!!!!! At least until she got too hot and tired, and then a little whining started up. Luckily, we were about done with our tour at that point and were able to hit the road before she got too cranky.

The farm has two more events for CSA members in July and September, so you can look forward to more farm inspired toddler cuteness then :)

Weight a Minute...

Last week at the gym, I walked into the daycare room to pick Amelia up. A young girl, probably about 8 or 9 years old, walked up to the daycare attendant and said: "My mom let me get on the scale today. My weight went up instead of down." Then she frowned in utter disappointment. We both looked at her and began disagreeing right away. The daycare attendant looked calmer than I felt, as I spat out "You are a growing girl, you SHOULD be gaining weight!"

As the mother of a little girl, I have many fears. I worry that she will get sick. I worry that someone will hurt her. When I watch Intervention as she sleeps cuddled in my arms, I often sob as I watch parents plead with their children, begging them to get help. I fear that could be my daughter someday. Sometimes, I even whisper to her as she sleeps, "Mommy will always protect you." But, I know I can't, so instead, I worry.

I think I fear, in particular, that she will experience pains that I have experienced. With the glory of genetics comes the fear that she will inherit something that I have struggled with. I become concerned that she will be depressed some day, or suicidal, or anxious. I fear that she will spend a chunk of her life not valuing herself or having confidence. I worry that she will feel fat and obsess over food.

This last worry is one that I sometimes feel she will face no matter how hard I try. Every day, I see body issues all over the place. Women at the gym complaining about their shape, celebrities on the news starving themselves to get thin, new diets, new weight loss shows-- our culture is saturated with it.

Although I don't want Amelia to be obsessed with her body size and shape, I do want her to have a good understanding of what she should do to be healthy. We don't let her drink juice or have many goodies. I give her fruit with every meal and call it her 'dessert'. I don't eat fast food, and therefore, she doesn't either. I hope that giving her a good foundation of what is healthy will help her make good nutritious choices when she is older. When I head to the gym, I hope that her seeing her mommy be active on a consistent basis teaches her that moving your body is GOOD for your body.

Am I naive enough to believe that these things alone will protect Amelia from overeating, making poor food choices, or feeling like she is fat? NO. But, what else is a mom to do?

I mean, other than having a good body image herself.

GULP.

Feeding Amelia healthy foods and hauling her to the gym with me is relatively easy. At my highest weight ever, positive body image is rough. I swore when I found out we were having a little girl, I would not utter the words "I'm fat" in her presence. I'm still pulling that off as I hide in our bedroom and complain to my husband as I pinch my belly and my hips. "LOOK at this!!! How can you even be attracted to me anymore?!?" as Amelia is in the living room watching cartoons. Each time I utter these words, I can see his disappointment that I do not believe I am as beautiful as he sees me.

Really, I don't think I'm ugly. I've developed a lot of confidence with age. I'm raising a happy, healthy daughter, I have a successful career, a good marriage, a terrific family. I'm intelligent, strong, and determined. All that being said, I'm not happy with how I feel. My pants are tight, I don't have as much energy as I used to when I work out, and my food choices are not all that great. I've been attempting to make better choices since the first week of January, and though I'm eating healthier and exercising more, the scale is not budging, nor are my pants getting looser. It's frustrating.

And yet, each day I wake up with new hope. I think with age has come more clarity about why I want to lose weight. It's not because I want to be super thin and it's not because I think more people will accept me if I'm a few sizes smaller. It's because I want to be healthier and feel better, and most importantly, I want Amelia to have a mom who takes care of herself for all the right reasons.

In a few weeks I will be a guest writer for the Random Blogette. A group of us have joined together on Facebook to support each other's efforts to be healthier. There I will explain my own personal struggles to fight my food demons and be healthy. And, in April I will be running my first half marathon, come hell or high water. My goal is to just finish the darned thing, even if I have to finish it walking. Not just for me, but for my daughter.

Here's the List

I've been pondering since the weekend about what to post this week. While I had almost decided on several grainy cell phone pics of Amelia cuddling with her daddy and sleeping along with a weekend recap, eh, that sounded boring. As Facebook has been flooded with people's daily gratitudes during the month of November, I've decided I should post my own list.

I should add here that although I rarely make a written list of gratitude, I do try to reflect at least once a day on what I'm grateful for. My cousin writes a daily list and e-mails it to several of her friends, and I generally am obsessive about checking my e-mail until she sends it. Partially because it is a way for me to stay connected to her even when both of our lives are very busy, but also because it is a good reminder of the small things in life that help people get past bad days, tragic life happenings, and grumpy moods. As soon as I read it, I think about what I am grateful for, and because she sends it early in the morning, I can start my day feeling grateful and remember to be this way during the day.

For instance, when Little Miss Grumpy Pants will not sleep through her whole nap and I am stuck holding her while I'm trying to work one handed? I take a deep breath and look at her soft features, her slow and peaceful breathing, her pudgy little arms, and realize that I will miss this cuddling some day. What else am I grateful for?

• My daughter is healthy and happy. I really take this for granted until she catches a cold or flu, or until I think of the many people I know that struggle with infertility or have had children that have passed away. She drives me a little nuts some days, but she is a blessing and we are so, so fortunate that she is well.
• I have awesome parents. They do an immense amount for us, from providing Amelia with clothes, diapers, and toys, to babysitting and listening to me gripe when I feel like I being pushed over the edge by motherhood. They are terrific, loving grandparents and let me know often that they are here for me anytime.
• I have a wonderful marriage. It is not always easy, and we go through our up's and down's like any other couple. I have really been reflecting lately how good of a husband and father my spouse is. He is kind and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman alive. He appreciates my cooking and ability to do 50 things at once to keep our home up and raise our child. He apologizes when he's wrong, and he tells me I'm a good mom frequently. Watching him cuddle or tickle Amelia melts my heart and I'm so grateful that we are raising our daughter together.
• The rest of my family is awesome too! It would take me all day to go through each and every one, but trust me, I'm blessed with a great family. When people complain that they have to deal with family gatherings during the holidays, I have no idea what they are talking about. I look forward to stuffing myself and then laughing around the table after a good meal.
• Employment. I think this is a huge thing that I took for granted a year ago, and I really try to be thankful for it every day. Luckily, so far my job is making this easy. I had a few qualms about working for an online school, but it's only taken me a couple months to be amazed at the teamwork and positive attitudes that I witness every day.

• Wonderful pets. I know, some people are not into animals, that's fine. But we are, and we pretty much have the best ever. As our daughter has been edging on abusive towards Mikey (our 8 year old 13 pound cat) and Molly (our sweet, obedient 3 year old golden retriever), I'm reminded every day that we are lucky to have them. I don't have to worry about Amelia being hurt by one of them, and she is growing up knowing how to be kind to animals.
• All the other standards to be thankful for: a warm house, food on the table, clean water, a safe area to live, transportation. I list it off like it's nothing, but all it takes is turning on the news to be extremely grateful for any of these things.

I really could go on and on. I've been thinking of tons of 'small' things to be grateful for every day. However, I have onion rolls to start baking and a daughter to play with. So, I leave you with a picture of three of my loves and a wish for you to have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with gratitude.

Picky, Picky

Amelia has always been an eater. When we went to her two week check up, she had nursed so much that she had a callous on her lip. She wasn't all that thrilled with solid foods when she was four months old, so we waited till she was six months. When we tried again, she was excited to eat and would grab the spoon and shove it in her mouth. It was fabulous. I foolishly thought that my child would not put us through the difficult paces of a picky eater. She would try anything, and even if she made a face, I could still shovel it in her mouth, make a happy noise, and convince her to take another bite. I made the decision that Amelia would not have any juice unless it was a special occasion, and we used processed foods as treats. Her cheerios were the regular kind rather than honey nut or apple cinnamon, and she loved them. I decided that I had this eating thing down, and raising a child with healthy eating habits would be one of the areas that I would excel.

First time mommies. So overconfident.

Or at least I am, apparently. If I had to pinpoint it, I would say this pickiness started back in August when we went on vacation. Like most vacations, we went out to eat a lot, and one of the frequent meal choices for Amelia was green beans. However, green beans in a restaurant are often not just dumped from the can and seasoned with salt and pepper. Oh, no, they are slow cooked in onion and bacon pieces and simmered to deliciousness. She loved them. Then we got home and gave her our regular old green beans, slightly warm with little seasoning. She turned her head and looked at us like we had bugs crawling out of our ears.

Fast forward to October and I am battling a little one who smashes her carrots around on her tray, throws her cheerios overboard to the dog, and determined yesterday that she can use her tongue to push distasteful food back out of her mouth. I, like many moms, am facing the eternal parenting question... Do I say, oh well, that's your meal, guess you'll be hungry then? Or do I give her what I know she'll eat? At eleven months old, I know I can't tell her you can't leave your seat until you have a bite of everything. So my current tactic is, offer her the food she isn't so fond of first, while hiding what she wants (generally fruit-- I have yet to see her refuse to eat any kind of fruit-- so far, anyways). Then when she gives me that determined I am not eating anymore of this look, I give her the fruit until she's full.

It works for now. Still, I wonder what eating related challenges I will face as she gets older. Also, I wonder if she'll turn into a human blueberry like the naughty little girl on Willy Wonka. Or, in her case, a peach.

Here is a video I found of when she was four months old and we tried solids. If you add a little hair to her head, this is pretty much how she looks now when we feed her anything except chicken, fruit or cheese.

What a Day!

It's been one of those days in the Bryant household. One where I think 'OMG this baby is SO annoying, why did I want to be a mommy again?!?' and then ends in 'I am an awful parent, Mommy is SO sorry, Amelia!' 

Why, you ask? Well, the morning began with a trip to her pediatrician to check out her increasingly red and itchy spot on her leg. As I guiltily admitted to the nurse practitioner that the spot appeared, oh, I don't know, almost a month ago and I'm just now bringing her in because it didn't seem to bother her, I also informed her that Amelia seems mildly constipated. I inquired about maybe giving her some prune juice to help rectify the situation (Ha! Rectify! I told you, it's been one of those days.) The NP looked at me, a little concerned and said "Maybe you should try a glycerin suppository. If she really is constipated, it's probably causing some pain or discomfort. Prune juice will take some time to go through her system".

Oh, yes. Just what I want to do. Stick something up my child's butt. 

We left the office with a list of creams and suppositories for her itchy leg and clogged up butt. Halfway to the store, Amelia had fallen asleep, and I certainly wasn't going to wake her before my lunch date with a friend, so I decided to wait until the afternoon.

This was a MISTAKE.

Lunch was nice, with Miss Wiggle Worm shoving her hands in my sandwich and attempting to spill glasses of ice water all over. She was active, but not fussy. We came home, she took a short nap. The day quickly went downhill after that. She cried, she screamed, I texted my husband, begging him to let me mow tonight PLEASE, PLEASE, anything for a break from this child!!! The problem here being that I still had to go to the store. With a screaming child.

I put her up in her crib for a few minutes, so I could go downstairs, cry, brush my hair, and work up my determination to put her in her car seat, regardless of her tears and screaming. Go to Meijer, find the cortizone cream for her eczema, go to the pharmacist's counter to ask about pediatric glycerin suppositories.

"I'm sorry. We don't carry those. Funny, you're the third person to ask today!"

I thought I was going to punch her in the face.

I threw the cortizone cream out of the cart as I stomped down the aisles and out the door. Off to Kroger with an increasingly pissed off child. Luckily they had what we needed, I kept Amelia amused by letting her chew on the box of suppositories and a bag of candy, and bought the rest of my groceries. Went home, completed the task at hand (I won't provide details, let's just say we both handled it very well), and that did the trick. The nurse said Amelia was about 18 pounds, I'm pretty sure that post poop, she is 17.5 lbs. More importantly, she is a happy girl. She promptly nursed, and  took a short evening nap. At just that moment, Jon came in and said "Are you gonna mow, or what?"

No, thanks. I have some pretzel M&M's and a bottle of wine that are calling my name.