Patience Is A Virtue

I'd like to start off by saying that today I'm writing my 100th blog post! Yay! It's hard to believe that I've been writing on this blog for almost a whole year. I recall beginning last June, unemployed, depressed, and with little outlet for my complex feelings about motherhood and my life. I began blogging and it opened up a new world for me. There are times when things get hectic and I briefly ponder how long I will be able to keep up with it, but then something happens that inspires me and I run to my computer to write. It's also inspired me to write for other sites, like Random Blogette and Curvy Girl. This has not only brought new traffic to my blog but also has led to me finding some awesome writers that I'll be privileged to meet in person in a couple weeks at the Ohio Michigan Blogger Meet Up.

Onward with my topic today, which is patience. We've had a lot of wonderful things happen to us recently that have required quite a bit of waiting and praying. The first has been my husband's new job at a local police department. Jon has gone through years of military experience, schooling, and interviews to be able to begin his career in law enforcement. He has had many times where he has questioned whether it is worth it. He's made it to several second interviews only to be turned down. Jon turned his application into the particular department that has hired him two days after I had Amelia. That means he has waited 1.5 years for an answer from them. Through all that disappointment and hard work he has forged ahead and it has paid off. I am so proud of him.

Our family at Jon's swearing in ceremony

The other event that has required much patience is Amelia's sleeping arrangements. I have mentioned before that Amelia has never really been a 'good sleeper'. She seems to need less sleep than many other toddlers her age and sleeping through the night has taken a good deal of time. Frankly, I'm a little hesitant to discuss this here because I feel like I could be jinxing ourselves!

We have co-slept much of the time over the past year and a half with Jon sleeping on the couch (spare me your 'destroying your marriage' speech... it hasn't) due to Amelia's need for comfort nursing during the first year and snuggles since she has been weaned. Although it has been recommended to me upon several occasions that she needs to cry it out, due to my own personal feelings and beliefs, we have not gone down that road. That has required a lot standing my ground when speaking to others, many intense parenting discussions with Jon, and a lot of prayer and patience on my part. In the end, I've felt that Amelia has required a lot of response at night and that she would sleep on her own when she was ready.

Another piece of the sleep puzzle has been that our bedroom is downstairs while Amelia's room is upstairs. Therefore, when she wakes at night, we have to go through our dining room and living room, up the stairs, down the hall, and then into her room. NOT FUN. To salvage as much sleep as possible, it has simply been better for her to be in our bedroom. Recently, Jon suggested that we bring her crib downstairs and place it by our bed as he saw the signs that she could be ready for it (i.e., sleeping without being held and not waking much during the night). I felt that was a reasonable compromise and so, a week ago today we put her crib in our room.

Amelia has been up and down with how long she will sleep in her crib, but I would say that overall, this is a great arrangement for us and she is getting used to it rather quickly. Over the past week she has slept there for all her naps, and has slept at night anywhere from three to seven hours at night before she wakes up whining or crying. At that point, I scoop her up and we both sleep soundly until 7 a.m.

Last night was a particularly monumental occasion in terms of her sleep. We ate dinner somewhat late and were cleaning up the table and kitchen. Amelia looked at a couple books, then crawled under the dining room table and said "Night, night" while laying down. Jon and I looked at each other with disbelief. Jon shrugged and said "Worth a shot!", scooped her up, laid her down in her crib, sang a little song to her, and said "Goodnight!" while shutting the bedroom door. We could hear her babbling away in her crib, and I said "How long do you think she'll stay in there before she starts crying?" Jon responded "Five minutes." We continued picking up from our meal with our ears alert.

Alas, Amelia fell asleep on her own with no tears. Even more impressive? She lasted the whole night in her crib! I woke up at 5:30 a.m., made coffee and started up my computer and she woke up at 6 a.m. ready to start the day. Jon and I made a big deal out of it and I gave her lots of cuddles while she drank her morning milk.

I have to admit that patience is not always my strength. While I think I handle most of Amelia's bad days fairly well and have survived the past year and a half with very little sleep or broken sleep many nights, I can't say that it's always been a piece of cake. I do have to say though that being patient has definitely paid off. Going through this has taught me yet another life lesson on the value of being patient and sticking with what you believe in regardless of what would be easier or what others say to try to convince you otherwise.

Big Developments

A lot of big things have been happening in our home related to Amelia's development. The first has been her learning to say NO.

Initially, it seemed pretty useful. I attempted to hand her an apple slice, and she shook her head vigorously, saying ‘No, no, no!’ Wow, I thought. How nice is that? Now I’ll know for sure when she’s full.

It wasn’t even two days later that we were leaving the gym, and I said, as I do every day, “Time to go bye-bye, walk with Mama!” Instead, my peanut ran off in the other direction towards the heavy weight area, yelling “NO, NO, NO! BAAAALLLL….” with her arms outstretched towards the exercise balls. My mouth dropped as I said “Don’t you tell me no!” and grabbed her little wrist. You can imagine how enthused she was about this maneuver.

Frankly, in my mind I thought “Who in the hell do you think you are kid?!? You’re about twenty pounds, if I really want to, I’ll just toss you over my shoulder and put you where I want!” Then I thought, "Oh, great, here comes what everyone has been warning me about. The fierce toddler urge to be independent."

I knew it was coming at some point, but Amelia has reached such a nice point in her development and temperment. She can do things by herself, but there are no tantrums when I tell her the opposite of what she wants to hear. A week or two of her being able to disagree with me, and I can say it hasn't yet blown up into a constant NO fest.

The second big development has been this:

My big girl is finally starting to fall asleep on her own. In our house, this is HUGE news. Amelia has always been a cuddler and pretty dependent on Mama to go to sleep. In the early days she nursed to sleep, and she has NEVER been a fan of her crib. Even when she would be solidly out, I would lay her down in her crib and fourty five minutes she would be wailing away. At some point, I surrendered to co-sleeping, much to the disappointment and cringing of many friends and family. I had to make a choice for myself and Amelia. What would get us the most sleep and the least amount of frustration so I could enjoy her early days? Co-sleeping was the answer, but as someone who is not very assertive, it has been hard for me to constantly justify this parenting choice to others. I finally have gotten to the point where I simply say "We are doing what we feel is right for our family."


I'm not going to lie though. There have been times where I have been truly concerned that Amelia would be in school before she would sleep on her own. Frankly, I don't see what difference it makes, as long as we are all getting sleep, but I also knew that I wouldn't be able to defend my sleeping choice for that long.


Part of me knew it was coming. She had stopped needing to be rocked a couple months ago and had wanted to just be cuddled in my lap. Then about a week ago she went to our bed and said "UP!", so I put her in and laid with her. Rather than snuggling me back, she thrashed back and forth for ten minutes until she passed out. A few days ago, we were approaching her nap time when I saw her climb into her toddler rocking chair and try to curl up in it. Since it is only big enough to sit in, it didn't work out all too well, and she immediately announced "STUCK!" and started whining. Since it appeared that she was trying to curl up for nap time, I figured that it was worth a shot and laid her down on the couch where she usually naps. Five minutes later, she was asleep.


I'm pretty sure that my family thinks I'm crazy, but this sleep development has been as emotional for me as when she finally learned to walk. It's hard to explain, but I think a lot of it is it just seems like a very 'big girl' thing for her to be doing. For nearly a year and a half, I've been nursing, rocking, or cuddling my peanut to sleep. Now she is going to sleep all on her own. It's really a very big deal in our house and this morning as I cuddled her in the wee hours, I enjoyed every moment, as if I were trying to soak in her snuggly love.


So now, as I dry my eyes due to my crying over this AGAIN, I leave you with a few recent pictures of my big girl:

Drawing at the library

Chillin' in her OSU onesie at my grandparents this weekend-- Go Bucks! :)

Picking dandelions with her Great Uncle Eric

Making a mess!

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Refreshed

I was on the brink of exhaustion yesterday. I can't blame it all on Amelia, as I neglected to take any naps over the weekend and there were times when I just couldn't sleep even when she was slumbering peacefully next to me. Regardless of who was to blame, I really needed a good night's sleep last night. No toddler staying up in the middle of the night or waking up every 1.5 to 2 hours. No mommy brain a-buzz with things I need to accomplish at 4 a.m. Just some rest.

I got it. Finally. Between 9 p.m. and 5:30 a.m., Amelia woke ONCE. This is as good as it gets with our daughter. I thought about getting up at 5:30, but was so cozy with Amelia that I passed back out. Till 6:45 a.m. When I woke up, I was in the best mood ever. No mumbling or tripping over my own feet to get to the coffee pot. No cursing under my breath. Just a cuddly toddler, hot coffee, and chocolate covered gingersnaps, along with a big smile on my face.

The downside is I probably won't see such sleep again for months. This made me wonder if I could barter with Amelia for her to sleep at night. Some things I could promise her:

• Endless daytime cuddling (which she's doing now anyways).
• Cookies and milk at every meal.
• Unlimited access to my keys, which I only let her play with when she's driving me up the wall.
• Letting her yank on the dog as much as she wants (sorry, Molly, we all have to make sacrifices so Mommy can get some sleep).
• An increase in naked baby time during the week.
• All day Sesame Street on the T.V.

I ran some of these ideas past her, and she seems not impressed, as she put her hand over my mouth while I was reading them to her. Ah, well, it was worth a shot!

** PS, if you missed it yesterday, you can now vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the banner at the top of my page.... and you can vote for me each time you visit my site! Thanks for any votes :)

Five a.m. Dialogue with My Brain

It is before six in the morning, and here I am, typing away. Not because Amelia slept miserably. No, I would say this was one of her better nights. I'm up because I can't sleep. This never happens to me. I ADORE sleep. Prior to motherhood, I was a minimum of eight hours a night sleeper. Ten or eleven hours was stellar. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, sans childhood when I would think of every last excuse to stay up just a bit longer. My mother likes to remind me of this frequently... "Boy, Amelia sure is my little party girl! Not you, you were a sleeper. Great sleeper as a baby. Never gave me trouble..." Uh huh, thanks for that reminder, Mom.

I woke up at 3:30 a.m., fed and cuddled my little darling. My first thought was "Wow, she waited longer than usual for her middle of the night feeding, that's awesome!" I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep. I dozed till 4:30. Looked at the clock. Decided I was uncomfortable and would risk rolling onto my stomach, potentially waking the baby. Ah, success. Should definitely sleep well now!

Nope.

This was about the time I started having an interesting conversation with myself. I wonder if this is what insomniacs go through.

Hey...

What? What the hell? Go to sleep, brain. Amelia is sleeping, we need sleep.

Umm... well... I was thinking we could get up?

 ?!? WHAT?!? It's early!!! Go to sleep, let me sleep! It's raining and cool and cozy, we could be getting lovely sweet sleep right now. Be quiet.

Well, don't blame it all on me, YOU are the one that drank that diet dr. pepper in the afternoon.

So what? It tasted good and I was still dragging from Labor Day.

Uh huh. Dragging. Is that what they call it?

Yeah, OK, so I had a few drinks, whatever, GO TO SLEEP!

... It's been five minutes. Can we get up yet? You could have a peaceful cup of coffee and surf the net while the whole house is sleeping! Wouldn't that be terrific?


Oh, wow, yeah, that would be really nice, especially with the rain, you know how I love the... WAIT, no, no way, it's still really damn early, and you know I can almost never sneak out of bed without waking Amelia. This is a bad idea, leave me alone and go to sleep.


No, listen to her, really, she is sleeping well! We could pull it off.


NO!

Sigh, OK.

{Five minutes pass}

I was thinking... it's cool out today, we could bake? Want to? Huh? That pumpkin bread pudding you've been wanting to try? Soup for dinner?

Yeah, this would be a great day for it! And I have to go grocery shopping to do anyways. What else should we do? Can't run this morning and don't like to take Amelia to the gym in the morning, I don't like the daycare lady that covers the early shift. We have some cleaning to do, so... HEY, WAIT! Why are you bothering me again??? Ugh, it's only five, we have been up for a half hour.

Yeah, I know, I keep telling you, let's get up! PLEEEEAAASSSSEEEE?????

Sigh. Fine. You win.


And so, I slowly worked my way out of bed. It was rather Mission Impossiblish, as Amelia is so mobile that I surround both of us with a fortress of pillows in case she wakes in the middle of the night and attempts to escape. I lit a candle in the dining room so I wouldn't wake Jon, started coffee, turned on the laptop. Thirty minutes later, Amelia was up. Now she is watching Baby Einstein and despite two cups of coffee, I'm tired enough that my eyeballs practically feel fuzzy. I foresee an afternoon nap in my future... unless my brain spoils it for me.
 

Coffee Break

Despite Amelia's snot, it hasn't been a bad week. As stubborn and determined as she can be, Amelia usually stays in good spirits when she's sick. She also seems to have chilled out in the 'whine until Mommy walks me around the house' department. Generally she can talk Daddy into it when he gets home from work, which is nice for Mommy's back.

Although it has not been so bad, I still hit a wall Thursday. I'm not quite sure what happened, but my overall theory is this: you can only spend so much time with someone, whether they are your own flesh and blood or not. Jon thinks this is amplified by the fact that I still co-sleep with Amelia. I think that's complete crap, as somehow I sleep better at this point with her by my side than when she's upstairs. Either way, by Thursday afternoon, I was texting Jon frantically, begging him to watch Amelia for a bit so I could escape.

Jon replied with a 'What in the hell's your problem, calm down, I'll watch her, you don't have to beg!' response. Which is true-- as Amelia gets older, she does better and better with her daddy and he has no problems watching her. I actually think I have some guilt about asking him to care for her. You are saying "WTF is your problem, Amanda? He's her daddy, there's no reason he can't care for her in the evenings." I think of it this way, though: Jon heads off to work everyday while I'm at home, and he still has several property maintenance things that he has to do on our two acres in the evenings. So, when he comes home and I practically throw the baby at him, I feel like I'm shoving one more thing onto his plate. As a result, I rush back home quickly when it's 'mommy time' and probably don't ask for that time as much as I should.

A second issue is, I always realize that many things that I do during mommy time, I could do when I have the baby in tow, so I often back out of time that I could be spending in solitude. Pondering going to a local coffee shop always makes me wonder, what will I do there that's so different from what I do at home? I can both read and browse the internet while watching Amelia, even if I do feel a tad guilty (you see the running theme here-- mommy guilt) about plopping her in front of the TV so I can partake in some kind of activity that doesn't involve diaper changing or episodes of Sesame Street.


I pushed all those thoughts aside when Jon arrived home that evening, dumped many baby belongings out of my bag, packed up my laptop and books, and left the house, radio blaring. That right there was worth the time out of the house. I've had to change very few of my listening habits since most of the music I like is not vulgar in nature, but I do miss the outrageous volume I indulged in at times while driving my car. Parking my car behind Panera and not having to double check my bag for diapers, wipes, toys, cheerios, and sippy cup, nor having to either carry a car seat which is ever increasing in weight or lugging out the huge stroller was freeing too. Not to mention, it is absolutely delightful to get on facebook without having to bounce a baby on my knee or respond to some kind of insistent fussing.

It would seem that God was trying to show me that more frequent mommy time is a good thing, because starting at that time, a string of unrelated positives started happening. Or, maybe I just noticed the good things because I wasn't frazzled any longer. I found a twenty dollar bill in the bottom of my bag. I got a positive e-mail about a job opening that I REALLY want. We had a terrific afternoon yesterday getting ice cream and going shopping. I got an interview for aforementioned job. We had an awesome time as a family at a high school football last night, and I got to catch up with one of my friends at the game.

Spectacular.

It's with this in mind that I'm starting to pencil in mommy time. MOPS group, coffee at Panera, movie with a friend, whatever. My new goal is to start doing this for myself at least once a week. Pushing aside my time because I want to be a good wife and mother was clearly working against me. Giving myself the time to hit the virtual 'refresh' button is not only a gift to myself, but a gift to my family. I came home that Thursday evening with not just coffee breath, but a smile on my face, hugs to give, and patience to pass around. Definitely a lesson learned while on the path of parenthood.

Like Clockwork

Things in the Bryant household continue to be a pain in the ass hectic in the baby department. Amelia's second bottom tooth has popped through, her thrush has cleared up, and she is good to go in the pooping department. Despite this, her already not so good sleep habits continue to be not so great. Prior to going on vacation she was sleeping 3-5 hours in her crib at night then sleeping with me for the rest of the night. Now? Fourty five minutes before she cries for the first time. This weekend she also insisted upon waking at 5:00 and 5:30. When she made it this morning till 6:00, I was pretty darned happy. If I had the choice, though, I would take the waking early over the being up for an hour at 3:00 a.m., which has occurred about three times in the last couple weeks. Talk about a rough night.

Before vacation, she was taking 1-2 hour naps in the afternoon. Now, thirty minutes, although when they are shorter, she does take about three or four naps. The trouble with shorter naps is that she  is a little grumpy butt when she wakes. When you add that to a mommy that has not had good sleep and a little girl that has become so tied to her mama that she screams whenever she can't see her, it can be an equation for disaster.

I've generally avoided discussing Amelia's sleep history, how we handle her sleep patterns, or the reasons for my decision to co-sleep part time. This is mostly because I don't care to hear other people's advice or their admonishments about how I am further screwing her up by letting her sleep with me. But I'm not going to lie, I definitely have my moments where I doubt our decision to let her nurse to sleep and co-sleep. That is, until she starts screaming at midnight and practically turns purple by the time we get upstairs. Then, I remember that we have to do what's best for Amelia, and I'm pretty sure that letting her cut off her own oxygen supply is not super healthy.

I do have the dream that someday, like maybe when she's 12, she will actually go to sleep on her own or someone else will be able to put her to bed other than me. With that in mind, I decided to put her on a bedtime routine. At 10 months old.

That's right, I'm the irresponsible mommy that has been letting her little girl go to bed whenever she wants. During the first few months with a newborn, life is all about survival. I had sworn that by three months, she would be on a schedule. For various reasons, it didn't happen. Surely, though, by summer she would be on a good, solid nighttime routine.

Nope.

I've been so thrilled this summer that she has been fairly easy going-- at least until recently-- that I started doing all the things with her that I couldn't do or didn't have time for when she was fussy and I was working. Bonfires with friends, baseball games, vacations-- all things that would mess with a schedule if one was in place. And, due to her melt downs when she is separated from me, along with her refusal to sleep for anyone else, a babysitter is not a very good option. Of course, she would survive without me in the evening, but that person would probably never be willing to watch her again and I would worry about her the whole time we were gone. So, she's been on lots of adventures this summer.

Now that school is in, people are busy and things are settling down, so here we are in a nice evening routine. I like it to a certain degree. Giving her a bath every evening, as opposed to me giving her random baths whenever I could remember and notice grime around her neck, is a nice way to end the evening together because she enjoys it. She is also going to bed every night by 9:00, which is better than 10:00 or 11:00. The downside is, it's not helping her sleep more soundly, and for her, early to bed means early to rise. People who recommend earlier bedtimes for baby sleep to improve need to spend a week with the my little contradiction to every sleep theory that ever existed.

And so, the sleep battle continues, but at least I know when each battle is going to occur.

Pre-toddlerhood

You've probably never heard the term "pre-toddlerhood", but frankly, I don't know why it's not a distinctly noted stage of childhood development. I would define this as the time when babies are not truly toddlers yet, but are getting that annoying independent streak to them. I am pretty sure I am twice as screwed. Amelia has always strived to be a little bit more independent than most babies and has been shaking her head 'no' for months now. Last week, I was reading some moron's lady's comment that parents who ascribe to attachment theory and co-sleep with their babies are setting themselves up for needy, dependent children (wait, aren't they still supposed to be dependent? Should Amelia be doing her own laundry yet?) who can't do anything for themselves. I literally laughed out loud and coffee almost came out of my nose. Clearly, she needs to meet my daughter.

For example, during the past week, my daughter has decided she is not so thrilled with baby food anymore. I should point out, she doesn't even get jarred food. I make all her food, it's like a gourmet baby grocery store in my freezer right now. Yet, given the choice between what's on my plate and what's in her bowl, she'd prefer my pasta with feta. That's right-- feta cheese. Pureed green beans? Eh, she is not so thrilled, despite the fact that she enjoyed them a month ago. So basically, I have a nine month old who won't eat baby food and won't take a bottle.

And then there's the determination. She has discovered the dime sized hole in our couch within the last couple days. Now, I am a big believer in the beauty of distraction with kids. Redirection can definitely be a sanity saver for mommies. So, when she found that hole, I tried to show her a toy and then put my hand over the couch's blemish. I was hoping that she'd forget about how fun it is to stick her fingers in there and dig around in the cushion stuffing. Instead, she wrinkled her nose and furrowed her brow while grasping my fingers and grunting with effort. SIGH.

When you top this independence and determination with her bodily issues this week-- cutting a new tooth, thrush for the FOURTH TIME, and being mildly constipated-- you have one fussy little girl. It has been a challenging week for sure. Thankfully, her tooth is almost all the way through, we have medicine for her thrush, and she is pooping again, so hopefully things will be looking up for the weekend.

Here she is with plums all over. Her favorite thing to do when she doesn't like her food is to smear it all over her face and in her hair. Lovely.

Mommy vs. Mommy

I've shared before that motherhood is definitely more difficult than I anticipated. While I knew that I would be fighting battles with my daughter at some point, I had no idea that they would start from the beginning. Hours of colicky crying, trying to get her to sleep at night, breastfeeding for hours on end, endless colds during the winter, thrush three times-- there have been many struggles already. These struggles had led me to reading many parenting theories and advice, mostly online. I've read countless articles, blog posts, and forums about the latest research, ideas, and opinions on anything from sleep to eating to schedules. This is what I've learned about parenting so far:

The biggest battle mommies face is each other.

Now, I'm sure to some degree that this battle is a little more bold and colorful online because much like cyberbullying, these ladies can hide behind the anonymity that the internet provides. I guess this makes them mommy cyberbullies. However, even in person, moms are not bashful about letting you know how you should be parenting your child, as if there is some kind of manual that you've missed out on along the way.

It's taken me many months to learn that Amelia is not like any other child because no two children are the same. That sounds pretty basic and maybe silly, but when so many people are handing out advice, you start to wonder if you are doing something wrong. Together we are figuring out what works best. Even though I thought she would be a crib sleeping baby on a rigid schedule, we pretty much fly by the seat of our pants and co-sleep part time. It works for us. I would not point my finger at someone else and say "You should NEVER let your baby cry it out! I do such-and-such with Amelia and look how perfect she is!" She's not perfect and neither am I.

Apparently, perfect parents do exist though, and they are sharing their advice all over the internet world. As evidenced in this mommy's post about her struggles with sleep training.

For those of you who don't have time to read the article, basically she is trying cry it out (CIO) with her baby. If you really want to experience some strong parenting opinions, search for CIO or co-sleeping on the internet. Or, read the comments in the above article. I particularly am fascinated with these:

"You are horrible. I am sad for your children. Lazy parents are the worst."

"...Even so I just wanted to let you that even on social networks and everywhere you are being portrayed as an evil mother that lets her child cry for hours on end. I’d be concerned about someone possibly calling child protective services…"

"I have been a big fan of yours for a long time. Not anymore :~( Leaving babies to cry it out, all alone, at such a young age is unnatural and awful. I don’t want to be a flamer but it breaks my heart. I’ve done a considerable amount of research into this as I am currently writing a book about peaceful sleep. The thought of all those babies out there crying themselves to sleep because some self proclaimed guru presumes to tell mothers to act in a way that goes violently against their instincts makes me so angry. Sleep training is bad."

"I do feel the need to tell all of you attachment parents that you folks are crazy! You are breeding kids with no ability to be independent and this is a detrement to their social health! By the way, there comes a time when sleeping with your kids is no longer appropriate, and maybe someone should call social services on you."

I assume these moms are rich, as they have determined the best way to parent and must be writing books and making millions.

Also, please note how one mom says children's services should be contacted for using CIO (which is completely different from leaving your child in the crib night and day-- just thought I should point that out before someone suggests that I'm saying neglect is OK) and another says that children's services should be called for sleeping with your kids. Calling the mom 'lazy' really got me too-- there is nothing more excruciating for me than to hear Amelia scream and cry, and it is obvious to me that the author of this post feels the same.

I left a couple of comments for this mommy myself, the first being supportive and the second being sarcastic (what else would you expect from me?) towards the mommies that suggested protective services be contacted dependent on which sleep theory you follow. It was difficult for me not to defend my choice to co-sleep, but much like engaging in a battle with your children, a battle with other mommies is a waste of energy.

My point to my long rant is this: Mommyhood is hard. We all have different tactics as we raise our children. Hug the moms you know, provide encouragement and support, and remember that we are all doing the best we can to bring up healthy, happy kids-- even if it's not the way you would do it.