My Little Dinosaur

It's been over a week since I've posted last. I've been trying to formulate a cohesive theme this morning for a posting, and really, it's been a bit of a struggle. I'm frantically wrapping up a school year at the virtual school I work for, Jon has his new police job, and life just feels like a big blur. I had hoped that this weekend would be a time to relax, but instead it's been no different than the work week-- stress filled and hectic.

Rather than go on and on about how overwhelmed I'm feeling, I will share a humorous story about my sweet little peanut. She is going through the toddler phase of pretending to be various animals. Her favorite to be is a dinosaur. All I have to say is "Amelia, what does a dinosaur say?" To this, she replies "ROAR!!!!" It. Is. Hysterical. After we went to lunch Thursday with her papa for his birthday, we went shopping. She barked like a dog all through the store, and then when we got to the check out, the cashiers tried to talk to her, but she suddenly became bashful. In an attempt to get her to come out of her shell, I asked her to talk like a dinosaur, and she let out her characteristic loud roar. The check-out employees got a huge laugh out of it, and Amelia grinned proudly.

My daughter is so into these prehistoric creatures that it would appear that she is even dreaming of them. Yesterday we went for a walk before the heat of the day hit. I thought she has snoozing in her stroller, but suddenly I heard a sweet, softly spoken "Roar!" I laughed a bit, stopped the stroller, and peaked around the side to smile at my munchkin... she was out cold!

Oh, my silly little girl. She makes me smile when I get too busy to remember that life should be all about laughter and dinosaur sounds.

Big Developments

A lot of big things have been happening in our home related to Amelia's development. The first has been her learning to say NO.

Initially, it seemed pretty useful. I attempted to hand her an apple slice, and she shook her head vigorously, saying ‘No, no, no!’ Wow, I thought. How nice is that? Now I’ll know for sure when she’s full.

It wasn’t even two days later that we were leaving the gym, and I said, as I do every day, “Time to go bye-bye, walk with Mama!” Instead, my peanut ran off in the other direction towards the heavy weight area, yelling “NO, NO, NO! BAAAALLLL….” with her arms outstretched towards the exercise balls. My mouth dropped as I said “Don’t you tell me no!” and grabbed her little wrist. You can imagine how enthused she was about this maneuver.

Frankly, in my mind I thought “Who in the hell do you think you are kid?!? You’re about twenty pounds, if I really want to, I’ll just toss you over my shoulder and put you where I want!” Then I thought, "Oh, great, here comes what everyone has been warning me about. The fierce toddler urge to be independent."

I knew it was coming at some point, but Amelia has reached such a nice point in her development and temperment. She can do things by herself, but there are no tantrums when I tell her the opposite of what she wants to hear. A week or two of her being able to disagree with me, and I can say it hasn't yet blown up into a constant NO fest.

The second big development has been this:

My big girl is finally starting to fall asleep on her own. In our house, this is HUGE news. Amelia has always been a cuddler and pretty dependent on Mama to go to sleep. In the early days she nursed to sleep, and she has NEVER been a fan of her crib. Even when she would be solidly out, I would lay her down in her crib and fourty five minutes she would be wailing away. At some point, I surrendered to co-sleeping, much to the disappointment and cringing of many friends and family. I had to make a choice for myself and Amelia. What would get us the most sleep and the least amount of frustration so I could enjoy her early days? Co-sleeping was the answer, but as someone who is not very assertive, it has been hard for me to constantly justify this parenting choice to others. I finally have gotten to the point where I simply say "We are doing what we feel is right for our family."


I'm not going to lie though. There have been times where I have been truly concerned that Amelia would be in school before she would sleep on her own. Frankly, I don't see what difference it makes, as long as we are all getting sleep, but I also knew that I wouldn't be able to defend my sleeping choice for that long.


Part of me knew it was coming. She had stopped needing to be rocked a couple months ago and had wanted to just be cuddled in my lap. Then about a week ago she went to our bed and said "UP!", so I put her in and laid with her. Rather than snuggling me back, she thrashed back and forth for ten minutes until she passed out. A few days ago, we were approaching her nap time when I saw her climb into her toddler rocking chair and try to curl up in it. Since it is only big enough to sit in, it didn't work out all too well, and she immediately announced "STUCK!" and started whining. Since it appeared that she was trying to curl up for nap time, I figured that it was worth a shot and laid her down on the couch where she usually naps. Five minutes later, she was asleep.


I'm pretty sure that my family thinks I'm crazy, but this sleep development has been as emotional for me as when she finally learned to walk. It's hard to explain, but I think a lot of it is it just seems like a very 'big girl' thing for her to be doing. For nearly a year and a half, I've been nursing, rocking, or cuddling my peanut to sleep. Now she is going to sleep all on her own. It's really a very big deal in our house and this morning as I cuddled her in the wee hours, I enjoyed every moment, as if I were trying to soak in her snuggly love.


So now, as I dry my eyes due to my crying over this AGAIN, I leave you with a few recent pictures of my big girl:

Drawing at the library

Chillin' in her OSU onesie at my grandparents this weekend-- Go Bucks! :)

Picking dandelions with her Great Uncle Eric

Making a mess!

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St. Patrick's Day Weekend Recap

Happy Monday after St. Patty's Day! I hope you are all over your hangovers and ready for the official start of spring. We have had very warm weather where we live and it pretty much feels like early summer. I think this is going to be disastrous later this summer when we are all sweltering in 110 degree heat, but since I have no control over the matter (wouldn't that be nice if you could control the climate just in your own yard?), we have been taking advantage of the warmth. For St. Patrick's Day, we spent the evening outside grilling and I got some sidewalk chalk out for Amelia:

Quite the artist, as you can see. This is the first day that she has been feeling confident enough to walk around in our driveway and yard without holding my hand (she has no desire to trip and fall over any large rocks or bumps in the lawn) and it gave me first glimpse of how much laundry I will be doing this summer.

The warm weather has also inspired me to do some spring cleaning, so I spent a lot of time boxing up clothes that don't fit Amelia and I, dusting, packing up baby stuff that is no longer used, and other miscellaneous tasks around the house. It was great to wake up this morning to a sparkling clean house. Now the challenge is to keep it this way! Meanwhile, Amelia followed me around with her toys 'helping' me. Her new fascination is push and pull toys that she can use while running around the house:

All of this 'work' really got her appetite going. I shared during my last post that she has learned how to say 'more'. As a big eater, this has really come in handy for her:

I'm in big trouble when she figures out how to open the refrigerator by herself, I think.

Finally, we ended the weekend by spending time at my parent's house. It was another nice day outside, so her grammy got out the bubbles and wagon so she could have fun in the yard. Of course, no St. Patrick's Day would be complete without a present from Grammy and Papa:

It's funny, I don't recall St. Patrick's Day being a gift giving holiday, particularly one where 5 foot stuffed bears are exchanged. Interesting how grandparents can make any occasion a time for spoiling little ones :)

Joyful Days

For the last two nights, as Amelia has passed out in my arms, I've looked at Jon and said:

"Can't we just keep her this little forever?"

Both times he has shook his head and told me no. Boys, you can never get them to play along when you need them to.

She has reached this sweet age where she still loves to cuddle me, but can walk across the parking lot while holding my hand and can tell me when she needs many things. She has not yet reached tantrum age, is silly and happy most of the day, and seems to learn new words every day. Yesterday, it was 'more':

This was taken at the park, where we decided to celebrate the warm weather with sandwiches eaten on a picnic bench, followed by play time on the jungle gym equipment and a stroll through the grass:

There is no other way that I would have rather spent my evening. Apparently Amelia was pretty excited about it too, because although I assumed all of the activity would inspire her to fall asleep on the drive home, she stayed awake. When we arrived home, she ran all over the house shrieking.

This is another reason to love parenthood-- you always have reminders that it's the simple things in life that we should get pure joy from. Things like loving on your dog:

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Happy 'I've Kept My Daughter Alive for a Year' Day

This is it! Today is our daughter's first birthday. It amazes me that a year ago she looked like this:

And now we have this:

I recall that on her first New Year's Eve, things were getting a bit easier as a mother and I made this New Year's Resolution: to keep her alive during the coming year. My husband half laughed, half looked concerned as if I were making some threat on her life, but let's get real here: when you are a new mom, you feel like every noise your baby makes is going to equate to doom. Any little gasp, wheeze, sigh, or scream means something could be wrong. And heaven forbid if they are QUIET, because then you fear that the baby has stopped breathing (thanks so much, SIDS campaign).

Maybe instead, I should call it Happy 'I've Kept Most of My Sanity for a Year' Day. I've mentioned before, Amelia had colic in her early days and all in all was pretty high needs for the first four to six months. For the first two months, I held her constantly because she would cry if put down. I held her as I put dishes away, as I slept, as I made our frozen meals for dinner. I cried during cooking shows because it felt like I was never going to enjoy creative time in the kitchen again. During weeks two through six of her life, she would have evening/early morning screaming fits that would last for two to three hours. I would circle the dining room table, singing, shushing, bouncing, rocking, until finally I would burst into tears too and my husband would wake from his slumber before heading off to work, take her from me and order "GO TO BED". I would nod miserably, feeling like a failure as a mother and wondering if this was her disposition now, what would it be like as a toddler?

I must be doing something right because as Amelia nears toddlerhood, this is generally our girl:

A happy, silly little girl who adores her mama and who is too busy to sleep well but so worth waking up throughout the night for. She loves her books and Sesame Street, as well as her dog and kitty, and can say 'hi', 'dog', 'kitty', 'book', 'Daddy', and 'abcd'. A squealing, giggling little bundle of energy that will scream as you walk towards her in hopes that you will chase her down and tickle her.

And so, in summary, I've not only managed to keep her alive during the past year, but also managed to raise a fairly happy, very healthy little girl. This indeed is something to celebrate.

Happy birthday, Amelia May. Mommy loves you.

An Answered Prayer

I'm super excited about my new job. I start Monday, and after meeting with the superintendent and principal today, I am even more overjoyed about this position. They seem to be very flexible and also are interested in me moving into a school counseling position next school year. This is great news because A) I'm spending thousands and thousands of dollars on my education, so I feel like I should be using it, B) I will have a significant pay increase and C) I will be able to work from home full time.

I cannot describe how happy I am about all of this. When I found out that my position was being cut at my old job, I was devastated. While yes, I would be able to spend time with my daughter, I loved my job and my co-workers. Beyond that, I constantly worried that we would have financial difficulties. Every article that appeared on Yahoo about the recession resonated with me, and I worried that at some point, maybe bad things would happen, like us foreclosing on our home. I'm an anxious person, so I get right down to it immediately and worry that the biggest disaster will happen. Not the best way to cope with a job loss.

After I moped, cried, and practically had multiple panic attacks about how things would play out financially, I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. Harder than I ever have in my life, except for maybe when we were trying to get pregnant. I don't talk a lot about my spirituality because I feel that it is a lot like my sex life. It's really no one's business. My husband is the opposite. There is no bigger joy for him than to debate religious philosophy. Sometimes it drives me nuts, but other times it comes in handy. Because, if ever there were a time that I needed someone to remind me about God and the miracles He works, it was now.

I'm not going to preach about going to church or why you should pray too. It irritates me when people push their religion on other people. But I do know this-- had I not lost my job, I would still be there. I would have missed my daughter figuring out how to stand up by herself today. I would have never taken the risk of trying to find a new opportunity that would allow me to be home more often. In my view, God created a way for this to happen. And, I'm ever so grateful.

This is not to say, of course, that I won't be griping about co-workers or the difficulties of working from home or any other of life's daily irritations within the next month or two. I'm only human. I get frustrated and annoyed. But for right now, I'm savoring what it feels like to have everything fall into place, to have faith, and to be grateful for what you are given.

Simply Amazing

I've mentioned it before, and I've been especially reminded of it this weekend-- my favorite part of being a mom is watching Amelia develop. I find it simply amazing. Within the last week, my daughter has learned to turn herself in a different direction while sitting up, can crawl over things, has started doing this funny little downward dog pose (I think she's trying to figure out how to stand!), and last night she learned how to clap.

What I enjoy even more is that once Amelia learns how to do something, she has it down completely. The first time she really clapped was last night at my parents. Then this morning, there she was clapping in her exersaucer. She was almost as fascinated as I was. She'd clap then open her hands wide, staring at them in amazement. Then she'd clap again and squeal in delight. It totally made her waking up for the day at 4:15 a.m. worth it.

Maybe this isn't as spectacular as I try to make it sound. Perhaps parents that have three or four kids think this is no big deal and think that this is just a new parent thrill. I pretty much doubt that, though. If it was not truly amazing, then parents would not constantly quiz each other-- is she crawling yet? Speaking? Any teeth? Sometimes these questions are asked out of competition, but other times I know they are asked with this intention-- have you witnessed your child learn all these delightful and new things?

There are more elements to it like the surprise of it. Amelia will do the same things for a week or two, maybe longer at times. Then, BAM, much like this past week, she learns several new things at once. And, there is being able to witness the lightbulb moment when your child puts it all together. It's hard to describe the look on her face, but when Amelia understands a concept, there is this expression in her eyes that says "OOHHH!!!! THAT'S how I do it!"

I will admit that I completely suck at keeping track of these moments in her baby book. Most of it is blank from 3 months on. I randomly think with guilt at how I really need to record these moments for both Amelia and myself. Despite that, I will never forget the thrill of seeing her discover new things. It is, I think, why mothers endure the sleepless nights and selfless days. Because nothing, nothing,  is sweeter than this look on your child's face upon making a new discovery in life:

Some Clarification

If you’ve read my posts thus far, you are starting to pick up a theme-- sarcasm. Hopefully you find this amusing. On my part, I will say that it’s genetic. Anyone who knows my family will tell you that it comes with the territory. I try to keep it humorous, and in person I try to wait to unleash it until I know you well enough that I know you can take it. Further, I generally separate sarcasm from just plain mean. Teasing someone lovingly is much different than an unkind dig. I’m not perfect, and on a bad day I make mistakes and hurt feelings like anyone else might. One of the better parts of my personality is that I will apologize if I make that mistake.

Anyways, I felt the need to explain the above because I realize I may make parenting sound like hell on earth. For those of you that just read that sentence and have children, you are nodding and saying but it IS hell on earth sometimes! Right. Sometimes. There are definitely times where you want to leave your kids in the monkey exhibit at the zoo and hope things turn out OK. Good luck, kid! Hope you like bananas and swinging from ropes.

I write about this side of parenting because in the first couple months of being a parent, I NEEDED someone to tell me that being a mom sucks at times. These are the comments you hear, at the hospital and for the first couple months of living with a newborn: “Oh, aren’t they sweet? Babies are so precious.” “What a blessing.” I think that in particular, coping with Amelia’s colic was particularly difficult. Every baby is different, and colic makes life extra trying in the beginning. So when people made the above comments, I would fight to not express to them how much I was hating being a mom. After all, I wanted this for so long, how could I now talk about how difficult it was, how I even sometimes had moments of regret?

I  hope that some tired mom will read this and know that someone out there understands what she is going through. I want her to know that it is completely normal and OK to want to put your child at the end of the driveway with a “for free” sign around the baby’s neck (I said want to, not to actually do it). Being a mom is exhausting, frustrating, dirty, disgusting, and sleepless. As my cousin Kendra once told me “You know, they torture people with sleep deprivation. What you really have there is a terrorist.” It’s what I think of every time my darling little angel (ahem, pain in the butt daughter) won’t nap or sleep without mommy. It makes me laugh so I don’t actually go ahead and make the aforementioned sign and plop her at the end of our driveway.

Another note: this blog isn’t meant to deter childless couples from having kids, and perhaps that’s why I really felt the need to write this. Coping with mommy hood requires venting and complaining. My time with other moms is vital to me continuing to be a good parent. Sometimes, my mom friends are unavailable so I have to complain to a childless friend before I rip every last strand of hair out of my head. This is generally a mistake, as I then have to see their wide-eyed no way in hell am I having kids after hearing THAT story! look. Not helpful.

But after seeing that look, I feel a little guilty because I know that the story I should have told is the one about how Amelia shakes her head ‘no’ about everything and laughs. How she squeals in delight when our dog approaches her. Her look of fascination when she stares at her hands. Her saying “YA, DA DA!!!!” when she awakes with a smile every morning. THOSE are just a few of the reasons I wanted to be a mom. Those moments are priceless and keep me going. They force me to let go of my selfish wants and make me work on being a better person so I can be a positive role model for her to look up to. So, if you choose not to have kids because of one of my vent sessions, that’s fine. At least when you made your decision, you know you’ve heard the true version of parenting and not some sickening sweet unrealistic version. And besides, as with anything else in life, the most difficult victories are the ones that make life worth living. Indeed, that’s the path I chose, the one that is both difficult and has beautiful treasures along the way, waiting to be discovered.